That was Random
by fi3fi3
Summary: This was his moment, so like a fairytale, so romantic. Could it possibly go wrong? My take on Jack coming back at the beginning of KKBB. Slightly AU so no John, sorry guys but quite angsty Janto. Rated for later chapters. NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi, it's been a while since I posted anything but here is a short, first chapter to see if you like it. I will post more if people think it's worth it. If I continue then it will become clear why it is M rated, though if I dont continue I will change the rating down (if I remember).**

**Everything in **_italics _**is Ianto thinking.**

**This takes place at just before Series 2, but KKBB never happened and Captain John never visited our little team. --- (I say 'our' little team, really they don't belong to me at all, it's just a useless fantasy of my life. They belong to RTD and the BBC)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Ianto sat in the back of the SUV. He was thinking. He usually thought when he had moments like this, in the backseat of a High-tech Range Rover in pursuit of a Blowfish driving a sports car.

_Well_ he thought to himself _there could have been worse moments…_

As it happened, during this particular moment, Ianto was thinking about coffee. Conversations and questions from his team mates occasionally interrupted his thoughts but he answered them as if his mind was one hundred percent there, with them, in the SUV. But it wasn't, Ianto rarely thought about present surroundings and there was a simple reason. Jack wasn't there. Jack had left, months ago, leaving them all to suffer, particularly Ianto. Ianto's own suffering never left his mind, and that is why he was thinking about coffee, while in pursuit of a Blowfish.

_Coffee, endless coffee. Everyday, coffee. There's nothing else left for me now. Nothing to fill my life. The others have been kind, now Jack's gone we've all become closer, filling the gap he left behind._

_No one knows I'm not alright, none of them know what I feel. None of them think anything other that what I have conjured about myself. At work I am cheerful, I go about everything with a smile or a laugh. But then I get a moment to myself, making the coffee. All of this __**endless**__ coffee. It alone knows my tears that fall into its murky depths._

Then, as suddenly as it had started, all thinking stopped as the SUV slid to a halt and everyone jumped out and pelted into a house. Ianto followed, on autopilot, he couldn't think while so much was going on.

'Ianto, take centre!' The Welshman heard Owens order and obeyed without thinking. Gun in his hand he let the words being exchanged wash over him and he tried to decide whether or not to start thinking again, he couldn't risk emotions in this situation could he?

All of a sudden, there was a shot from behind, Ianto turned – and his brain went into overdrive.

… _I know he loved me, he told me so. I know he left but surely he had a good reason. On the plus side, he's back! Finally I can hold him again, tell him again what I feel and what I think…_

Their gaze met, wafts of smoke from the gunfire misting between their eyes but not obscuring them. After seconds, but felt like hours, Ianto could hold back no more. This was **his** moment, so like a fairytale, so romantic. Ianto walked up to Jack and pulled him into a great hug, drawing him as close as possible so as to never loose him again.

Jack let out a strangled 'Hi guys, how's things?' before turning his head with 'Woah big fella, calm down, I'm not gonna leave straight away you know.' In the short space of time it took to say this, however, his face had turned an odd shade of purple.

Ianto lifted his lips to the ear of his Captain, _this is it_ he thought to himself, and he spoke.

'You came back. You are the most perfect person I could ever hope for. I love you, always.'

Jack pulled back from the hug and laughed. 'Mate, that was… Random…'

* * *

**A/N: So, should I continue? Please review and let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: OK here's chpter 2 for all you lovely reviewers. All the stuff I've said before and everything (sorry if this makes no sence as it is 2:00 am).**

**Torchwood doesnt belong to me - if it did I probably wouldn't be writing about it.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

'Mate, that was… Random…'

_Random? What? How could what I have said been 'random'?_…Ianto's mind was in a frenzy of activity on the drive home, Blowfish splayed out in the back. …_I've said I loved him before, he said it back to me. Did he lie? Has something awful happened when he was away to make him forget? I need to know. I can't sit here and not know what he thinks, what he feels. If I know I can move on, I've spent so long not knowing and I have so many questions…_

Ianto's thinking continued all back to the Hub, thoughts so strong that they blocked out the world entirely. It was when Ianto found himself in the Hubs little kitchen, a pot of coffee, stone cold, in his hand that he knew he needed to talk to Jack, he needed to _find some answers. I need to know. This is it._

Ianto Jones, Torchwood's faithful tea boy, stood outside the office of their leader, opened the door and prepared to confront him.

'Random Jack? Tell me, what was so 'random' about what I said? None of it was new to you, I've said it before. You've said all of it to **me**! I love you Jack, please, tell me what's wrong?'

Jack looked up at the sudden intrusion but did not seem surprised by Ianto's outburst.

'What makes you think there's something wrong?'

'Um, well, I, err, you see, but…' Ianto did not know what to say, how does one communicate a feeling?

Jack sighed, 'Ianto, I've been away for, what..., four months, your time. That's more than enough time for you to get over me – move on.'

Ianto felt his lip start to tremble at Jack's words, words that seemed so wrong yet here they were.

'But I love you, doesn't that count for something? Doesn't that matter to you?'

Jack laughed again at the sight of this trembling man before him, his once-lover. 'Stop deluding yourself, get over it.' It was more an order than a request.

'Do you love me Jack, did you ever love me?'

_This is it, the big question. I can only hope that he answers honestly because this answer, I will take as true. This is the moment that matters and my whole life now depends on what single, lonely, word will emerge from Jack's lips…_

'No.'

A single tear, the first of many, rolled down Ianto's cheek.

'But, all those times you said you did. Did you lie all those times?'

Jack muttered something about the heat of the moment but Ianto's unease didn't phase the older man who was leaning back on his chair as if he were discussing the weather.

'To be honest Ianto, Owen was right, you were never more than a part time shag.'

Ianto burst into tears and ran from the room, out the door and back all the way to his flat where he sunk onto the bed and cried himself to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry it's so short, more chapters will be up soon, and longer I swear. Please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So I decided to combine the last two chapters into one glorious finale! WARNING - This chapter contains self harm and suicide. Don't like? Don't read. As always, I don't own Torchwood and if I did, this chapter definately wouldn't happen on the show.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

'To be honest Ianto, Owen was right, you were never more than a part time shag.'

_What is there left to live for? I have nothing, no family, no life, no job. No job worth doing anyway, not with Jack as my boss. _

_Jack – his name sounds vulgar now yet my stomach still flips when I think about him. I still love him but I also hate him, so very much. Mostly, though, I hate myself for loving him. He's my employer, offices romances never work and especially with our job. He's immortal for crying out loud! I was so stupid thinking this could have worked._

_It's not that he doesn't want me, I could deal with that. It's that he lied to me for so long and now he's taken away all my hope and without hope, what is there to live for?_

Ianto was sat alone in his flat, none of the team had come to see if he was alright, none of them. Everyday Ianto would be ignored or rejected and it was a constant reminder of how useless he was, how worthless his life seemed to others.

_These past months, when he's been away, I've lived in hope that he would come back to me. But there is no point anymore yet somehow I don't want to die – I just want a symbol to show myself that all hope is lost. I want it to hurt, I need to feel this symbol of failure. _

_There's a knife, in the kitchen. I know it but I am torn, whether I get it or sit here longer. Sitting here, it's as if time is standing still and I am scared that if I move the spell will be broken and I will be hurled back into the pain of the real world._

Ianto stood, after what felt like an age, and walked to the kitchen and back. He was hardly aware of himself or his surroundings. It would probably be more appropriate to say he _floated_ along. The first he knew, anyway, was later, after it was getting dark, when Ianto looked down and saw the blade of an average kitchen knife glinting in the moonlight coming through the open window.

_All I need to do, would it make anything better. The rational part of me is saying it won't but it feels so __**right**__. I want this, I need this. I need to hurt myself, that'll show Jack. Bastard that he is, but if it is the truth then maybe he will feel sorry for me when, __**if**__, he finds out I've done what I'm about to do. If he's capable of emotions that is._

And without thinking, hardly aware of the deed, Ianto brought the blade sharply across his forearm leaving behind a trail of… slightly irritated skin.

_No! This isn't right. Why is there no blood? There should be blood, I've seen enough films to know there should be blood. It should be easy – first time. I have to try again._

Ianto brought the blade down and traced the previous line again but, same as last time, there was not a speck of blood peeking through.

_Why? Why can I not do this. I'll tell you why, I'm too scared, too fucking scared to mark myself properly. IT'S MY BODY, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I LIKE WITH IT. WHY WON'T YOU BLEED?_

In a fit of rage from Ianto, the knife found itself being hurled across the room, embedding itself in the wall. There was minutes of just shouting before Ianto resigned himself to the floor and wept. Through the tears Ianto glimpsed the handle protruding from the wall.

_I could have another go, I __**will**__ make it work this time. It has to._

With new found strength and determination Ianto wrenched the knife from the wall and again traced the red line he despised so much. As he brought it away he saw, to his delight, one end of the cut had a pinprick of shiny red liquid poking through. Ianto was euphoric.

_Yes, finally! All I need to do now is deepen it, shape it and extend it. This small prick is the start of the first letter of an amazing, awful word. This will form 'hope'._

Seeing that small beacon of hope gave Ianto a new enthusiasm as he set back to work. Soon, the cut had been shaped and deepened into a small 'H'. The pain, at first, brought Ianto out of his little trance but as soon as he saw the hypnotic flow immerging from him, he was back under.

He was so much hypnotised by his actions that Ianto hardly noticed his phone beeping though as soon as he realised that the text he had received was from Jack he stopped, dropping everything he was doing to read the few words his lover, _'__**Ex-**__lover' _he thought bitterly.

Message received from **Jack:**

'I'm sorry Ianto I really am sorry. I've been so stupid, I was scared of what I feel for you. I meant it when I said I loved you, ages ago now. I was just running from the truth. I'm sorry.'

_Yeah right _Ianto laughed at the absurdity of it all _I know that isn't true. He wouldn't have said those things unless they were true. I saw into his eyes… he meant it all right. That message was probably from Gwen, trying to cheer me up. It won't work, I know I'm worthless. I have to finish what I started._

And so he did. Carefully cutting, long into the night, until the 'hope' stood out bright against his pale skin. It was a glorious sight by the early morning light of dawn.

_He isn't here, if he cared, if he __**really**__ cared, he would be here now, against all odds to save me from myself. But I don't need saving. I have this beautiful pattern, forever a part of me. It's not enough though. What if I didn't stop? What if I kept on going? Eternal darkness, rest. It doesn't seem like a bad idea. It's better than staying here to witness my own failure. I'll show Jack. I will show him what he meant to me and when he finds my body, though I don't know how long it will take him to notice I am gone, It will tear him apart with guilt. Just like he ruined me with rejected love. With lost hope._

_I need more blood, I want to die._

With his final effort, Ianto stood and calmly placed himself before the front door. _The door way to an other world _he smiled to himself _quite fitting really._

Ianto controlled his breathing, tasting the oxygen for the last time, happy that this was the end. _Must be the end, I couldn't bear it if it wasn't._

'Hope, saviour of us all, destroyer of many. I love you Jack, forever, and I'm sorry for it.'

And with his final words spoken, Ianto took up the knife and ended it.

As he lay dying on the floor, Ianto Jones saw Jack, his lover, crouching beside him looking so very worried. But Jack wasn't really there, the dying man told himself as he was too far gone and in too much pain to know what was and what wasn't real. And, deciding the image of his lover was just a hallucination, Ianto Jones let out his final breath and died – alone.

* * *

**A/N: So, I left it up to you to decide whether Jack really was scared or just a bastard. Hope you liked it and please review.**

**Many thanks, Fi3fi3**


End file.
